Ten Extremely Effective Tips To Improve Your Gaming

The real reason you aren't good at games is because you aren't good at anything.

Let’s face it: You could be better at videogames. If you don’t try your absolute hardest and force a huge blue vein to pop out of the side of your forehead, you just aren’t doing it right. Here are a few extremely effective tips that will help you enjoy the exhilarating sensation of doing better at a videogame.

10: Grease Thine Controller
Reducing friction can really set those fingers flying. Where are you going to get grease? Try your forehead, you nasty bastard. Maybe you could squeeze a filet o’ fish in your hands as hard as you possibly can; I’ve done it, and it’s very cathartic. You could always use some of that lotion you keep by your bed, next to the tissues.

9: Go Winky
Use only one eye at a time, so that you never have to blink. Let’s face it, that nanosecond of darkness has probably cost you millions of points over the years, so knock it off. You don’t really need your depth perception for gaming, and it will help you develop the muscles needed to give people the stink-eye. You can also achieve this with an eye patch, by simply switching it from eye to eye every 20 seconds or so.

8: The Final Solution
Have one of your friends stand behind you with a loaded rifle, aimed at the base of your skull, and tell him to kill you if you don’t win. Will he actually do it? I guess it depends how good of a friend he is.

7: Use Negative Reinforcement
Wear a rubber band around your wrist, and every time you miss a shot, pull it back and give yourself a snap. The same principle can apply if you stick your feet in boiling oil, allow a possum to scratch you about the face and neck, or twist the crocheting needle you have skewered through the skin on your torso. The sky’s the limit!

6: Appease the Old Ones
The Old Ones, who are not dead but merely sleeping, can offer you the power you need to vanquish your foes. Through Nyarlathotep, you can convey your darkest wishes to Cthulhu, and perhaps the mighty Yog-Sothoth himself. First, though, you must offer the requisite sacrifices. Say the words, shed the blood and perhaps the blind idiot-god Azatoth will hear your pleas and turn the hopes of your enemies to ash.

5: Rig A John
Sometimes the demands of nature become overwhelming, and a break must be taken, or else you’ll stain the rug again. A simple contraption involving a funnel, a garden hose and a detergent bottle can save you from the bother of standing. Take a tip from my own personal experience, though: Empty it out before the flies come, or your family will confront you.

4: Go Zen
Since many games, and great gamers, originate in Asia, applying some of the local philosophy might be helpful. Try maintaining a small Zen garden as you play, and if you don’t have one, just use your toes to draw lines in your cat’s litter box, and to adjust the “stones."

3: Stay Loose
Don’t let the tension of a hard levels get to you. It’s important to take it easy; your game will improve, and you’ll stop smashing stuff up around the house. Pay a burly Hungarian man to give you a deep tissue massage. Tell him to really get in there. Also, you could try morphine, heroin or any other extremely powerful narcotic. Quaaludes are good, but only with lots of wine. Hey man, give some wine and pills to that burly Hungarian dude. Now it’s a party, baby.

2: Stop Brushing Your Teeth
Not only does brushing take away from vital practice time, but you can also increase your time between meals, as there is often much nutrition caught in your molars.

1: Utilize Personal Intimidation
If you are going against live players, you can threaten to maim or otherwise injure the family members of other players. Although you may not be able to actualize this threat (yet), their stunned silence may net you a few kills, and small children may actually cry and drop their controller in horror.

There you have it. By using these extremely helpful tips, you can succeed in not only games, but life as well. The opposite sex will be drawn to you, and everything will come up daisies.

Note: Giantrealm.com does not advocate any worship of the ancient gods or the use of narcotics, as opposed to Gavin McCormack, who has the audacity to actually dare you to.

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